Rob recently gave a message at Olympia, WA glorifying women choosing the role of a traditional wife. I have nothing to say about an individual’s choice in that matter. However, as one who spent 27 years explicitly and implicitly upholding that messaging, which had harmed many women I felt a need to respond publicly.
With deep respect to all who are striving to figure out how to choose and order their lives I offer the following. My hope is that some who have been wounded may find some comfort by my acknowledgement of the wrongness of that messaging.
Dear Rob,
After you spoke Saturday afternoon at Olympia, WA convention a couple of ladies sent me some excerpts from your sermon. It was hurtful to them on several levels. Because of the place you hold in the church and the potential influence of your words it feels important for me to respond publicly. I want to focus on what you said regarding “Gen Z women want to stay home and have children. They want to submit to their husband.” I feel I know you pretty well Rob and I believe that if you could truly understand how many women have been harmed by this message over the years, if you could truly understand how you have played a part in this, if you could truly understand how demeaning and hurtful your message was to many women, if you could allow yourself to understand, it would break your heart.
As a male, formerly with power and influence in the church, as one who myself in ignorance did much harm, I feel it is important for me to stay in a very narrow lane in this letter. I can’t “speak for women.” I have nothing to say and no right to comment regarding a woman’s choice in this matter. For any woman who, in wisdom, with unconditional support (whatever choice she makes) from her family, religious community, social networks, with education and without a shred of religious coercion, with a decent level of financial assurance, makes the choice to be a “traditional wife”, I have only respect. However, these last few years a number of women I have come to respect have helped me to understand how messaging like you gave Saturday has stripped away all of those positive factors from many women for years. Because of that many women have suffered greatly in their marriages, often enough with abusive spouses, but even with caring, well intentioned spouses.
My narrow lane is this:
You and I gave our lives to one religious system among many that has harmed many women. We were both part of that harm, explicitly at times, often implicitly. You and the church, like many others, refuse to acknowledge that harm, refuse to take measures and make changes that would lessen the potential for further harm. It is a serious misuse of power for any male of authority in a system with the track record of your church to speak the message you spoke. The way I see it now is that you and I, and many of our colleagues in this church and countless other preachers, have two tasks.
One, to listen to those who have been harmed and to learn from them.
Two, to make it clear that we support these women, Gen Z and whoever else, whatever choice they may make through their own connection with the Spirit.
Mark Simmons
PS I know many men have suffered in the 2×2 system as well and I don’t mean to diminish that. I am trying to keep a clear focus in this letter.
PPS if you are reading this as a woman and you feel your 2×2 church experience has been positive and beneficial, I respect that. I do hope you can sit with the unease that may come from being aware that what you found helpful was deeply harmful to others.